


The Swedish Meatball Incident

by Tadpole4176



Series: Retirement Trouble [4]
Category: Top Gear (UK) RPF
Genre: Fluff, Friendship, Gen, Kidfic, silliness
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-10-27
Updated: 2020-10-27
Packaged: 2021-03-08 17:14:15
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 2
Words: 5,341
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/27230287
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Tadpole4176/pseuds/Tadpole4176
Summary: What if Top Gear just kept going… until someone thought he needed to retire? And what if Stig thought that was a bad idea?Jeremy, James and Richard make a trip to IKEA to sort out the furniture for their house. IKEA is much more hazardous than anyone would really appreciate.
Relationships: Jeremy Clarkson/Richard Hammond/James May
Series: Retirement Trouble [4]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/1953919
Comments: 8
Kudos: 6





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

  * For [SkyHighDisco](https://archiveofourown.org/users/SkyHighDisco/gifts).



> At SkyHighDisco's request, they're off to IKEA!

“Where did you get this van, James?” asked Richard, clutching the edge of his seat, where he sat squashed between Jeremy and James, who was driving. “It sounds like everything’s shaking off!”

“It’s perfectly serviceable,” protested James. “I got it really cheaply off my old neighbour, but I’ve spent ages working on it.”

“James, you are aware that it’s perfectly acceptable to hire a van in order to go on an expedition to IKEA?” put in Jeremy.

“But that’s wasteful, we don’t need to!” objected James.

Richard looked up at Jeremy, laughing at his expression of disbelief and earning himself a disgruntled mutter from James.

“We’re nearly there anyway,” said James, signalling as they came off the dual carriageway and onto the series of incomprehensible roundabouts that led to IKEA.

“Left!” screeched Jeremy, as James joined the right hand lane inexplicably.

“Calm down!” complained James, as Richard curled up and placed his hands firmly over his ears. “No distracting the driver!”

Jeremy sniggered, nudging Richard in the process and persuading him to uncurl a bit. “It’s safe now,” he whispered, “I can see the sign for IKEA.”

“Big and yellow,” nodded Richard, “impossible for even James to miss.”

“Not impossible,” stage whispered Jeremy.

“Shut up you annoying oafs,” complained James good-naturedly, signalling and then turning the rattling van into the car park.

……………………………………………………………………

“Do you see our new sofa in here?” asked Jeremy as they rounded the corner into the massive sofa section, trying to picture any of them in their – still rather disorganised – living room.

Richard, giggling slightly, raced forwards enthusiastically. “I think we need to test all of them for comfort!” He leapt onto the first one, bouncing up and down to test the padding.

“More like a stress test,” muttered Jeremy to James.

“Important consumer advice,” grinned James, reaching into his pocket for his tape measure. “You keep an eye on him, I’ve got some measuring to do.”

Jeremy rolled his eyes, but moved away from James and his calculations happily. “So, Hamster,” he called. “What do you think would look good?”

“You know, I don’t really care, I want to know which ones are good for sitting on,” exclaimed Richard, bouncing again without dislodging Jeremy’s position at all.

Jeremy grinned back. “I’m a bit afraid that if I bounce it’ll snap in half,” he admitted.

“Surely that’s an important consumer test?” asked Richard. “Everyone needs to know whether a six and a half foot ape bouncing on it will destroy their sofa.”

“So I should bounce and you should choose a colour?” suggested Jeremy. “I don’t think you can do the six and a half foot test, I’m not sure you can do the four and a half foot test.”

“It’s possible that kids bounce more,” grinned Richard, sheepishly. “I’m pretty sure I’ll get away with more than you without getting into trouble at least.”

“Plus if you leave me to do the stress testing, you’ll have to go help James with his tape measure.”

“Oooo, that’s not tempting,” Richard shook his head. “OK, I’ll do the child-sized stress test, you decide if it’s good for old man naps,” he offered.

“That is a good plan,” said Jeremy. “Though I’m not an old man these days either.”

“You’ll always be an old man at heart,” grinned Richard, cheekily as ever. “And an 8 year old.”

Jeremy slid down to lie on the sofa, testing it for length. “No wonder I’m always confused,” he replied. “This one’s too short.”

Richard hopped up, tugging at Jeremy’s hand. “Better go test another then!”

James sighed, watching Jeremy and Richard attempt to break sofas from a distance and wondering how long he could leave them alone before they got kicked out of the shop. It was going to be a fine line, he really did need to get some measurements in, but on the other hand he would quite like to be able to take Richard to the kid’s furniture section to see if there was anything that appealed to his childish side. Not to mention he’d quite like some help in the collections bit.

Of course, it was possible they wouldn’t be much help in the collections. He might spend the whole time trying to stop them racing trolleys. Or stop Richard picking things up that his adult self wouldn’t have managed alone. Probably Jeremy shouting at someone. James shuddered, maybe he should just let them get kicked out.

While James was still measuring, Richard and Jeremy found a sofa they both liked. Firstly, it was a shade of red that would put a Ferrari to shame, therefore James was probably going to hate it. Secondly, it was so bouncy that the first time Richard jumped on it, it actually flung him off again. Whilst Jeremy had found that funny but slightly alarming, Richard had loved it and repeated the experiment a number of times. Thirdly, and they were working on this part now, it was very comfortable to lie on. Jeremy had discovered that it was long enough to lie down on, and that it felt amazing, and had spent five minutes persuading Richard that he should stop launching himself from the other end, and test some other features. He had now managed to, completely unselfconsciously, squeeze himself between Jeremy and the back of the sofa and was making loud contented noises.

Jeremy closed his eyes, partly because Richard’s noises were making people stare at them and whilst no one else saw two grown men lying together, Jeremy kind of still did – even if Richard apparently didn’t, which was interesting. He was also quite tired, so closing his eyes was just the perfect way to enjoy a shopping trip.

And then he may have fallen asleep, which led to snoring – so he was told – and then James coming over all cross to wake him up.

Oh well, one more annoyed James point for the day.

James couldn’t really believe that the two of them had managed to attract quite so much attention. They’d only done a couple of Top Gears since their transformation, so fan interest had actually reduced a little bit, after all not everyone had seen them as they were, and not everyone read the papers who’d made a fuss about it afterwards. From what James could gather, there were a fair number of people who genuinely believed they were imposters, and they had even mounted a campaign to make sure Richard went to school, something James and Jeremy had agreed not to mention that to him! Still, all that aside, the two of them had managed to be the noisiest people in the entire shop, and they had attracted quite a bit of attention, most of which had very little to do with being famous, so it was time for James to rescue them.

Putting his tape measure away, he headed over to his two irritating friends.

“Richard?” he asked. “Why are you lying there moaning?”

“It’s a really good sofa, James. You should come try it, here I’ll move out of the way.”

James blinked in astonishment and stared at Richard, along with a number of passers-by, no doubt. “Richard, I’m not going to fit there, and even if I did, I’m definitely not going to lie down next to a snoring Jeremy whilst lots of people are staring at us.”

“He is quite loud, isn’t he? Do you want to wake him up, or shall I?”

James smiled, shaking his head. “I’ll let you have the honour,” he replied, wondering what exactly was going on with Richard today. Certainly, he was exuberant and somewhat childish by nature anyway, but this felt like something else – like a renewed innocence.

Richard turned his attention to Jeremy, James immediately regretting suggesting Richard should wake him up. “Jez!” Richard yelled into Jeremy’s ear. “Jez!”

James sighed. Maybe it was just the being irritating on purpose thing the two of them had going. The thing that Richard definitely still had control over.

“Jez!”

Finally, Jeremy stirred, opening his eyes and swatting at Richard as though he was a fly even as Richard hurled himself further down the sofa and escaped to talked to James.

“It’s really good this sofa, James,” said Richard.

“So I gather,” observed James, dryly, watching Jeremy slowly get to his feet.

“And look what I can do!” Richard leapt back onto the sofa, bouncing once then immediately bouncing off again, directly into James.

“Ooof,” said James, catching him and letting him slide down to the ground. “Is that a positive?”

“Definitely,” replied Richard, sitting down more normally on the sofa now and patting the space beside him. “Come try it.”

“We both really like this one,” said Jeremy, going for the big eyes as he moved to sit on Richard’s other side. “It’s the most comfortable one in the whole shop, and we were really thorough with the testing.”

“I suspect that means we should buy this one,” said James, smiling gently. “Just let me make sure it’s good for sitting on.” He leant back, sighing happily.

“See?” said Richard.

“It’s a good sofa,” agreed James, digging his pencil out of his pocket and writing down the name. “Maybe we should head out of this section before anyone complains though? How about a trip to the children’s furniture section, Hamster?”

Richard stared at him, apparently shocked into silence for a moment. “I’m not actually a kid, James,” he said slowly.

James held his hand up. “I know that, but I think a little bit of you thinks it is, and on top of that, you might want a smaller desk or a chair that actually fits you at the moment.”

“I’m not that small,” insisted Richard.

James shrugged. “The kid’s stuff’s always more fun, it can’t hurt to take a look. Plus we know you and Jezza both have a mental age somewhere around 9 anyway.”

Richard smiled slowly. “That is true,” he conceded. “I guess it can’t hurt to look.”

………………………………………………………………………

The kids section loomed before them, all brightly coloured and tempting, and James heaved a sigh of relief. Walking the other two round the path through IKEA without losing one or discovering them “stress testing” something they definitely shouldn’t be, or loudly making unfavourable declarations about something was a full time job. At least in the kids section they would be moving with purpose. Richard, who had been fluctuating wildly between enthusiasm and guilty reluctance suddenly sprang into action at the sight of the child-sized tunnel into the kids section, and he was off.

Enthusiasm won then, mused James.

As Richard scooted excitedly through the tunnel, Jeremy dived after him, clearly aiming for the tunnel as well. Of course, it wasn’t designed for Jeremy, but that didn’t seem to bother Jeremy.

Well, it didn’t bother Jeremy’s infantile brain, James corrected. Jeremy’s body was definitely stuck.

“James!” cried Jeremy, on realising that his shoulders were wedged into the tunnel and he could no longer move. “I think I’m stuck.”

“And whose fault is that? You great oaf,” muttered James crossly, even as he had to put his hands on Jeremy’s arse in order to push.

“Owwww, you’re crushing me, James!”

Richard was off. The kids’ section was full of all sorts of colourful ideas, and he had to admit it did appeal. A car shaped bed! He jumped on it, lying down and only then realising, that it was really intended for toddlers and he was just a bit too big. Still, it looked great, it even had a petrol filler cap! He shrugged, obviously he wasn’t a toddler, and he’d spent plenty of time filling up cars for real, he didn’t need to pretend. He moved on.

Ooo, cool spinning egg shaped chair with a cover, Richard dived right in, pulling the cover down and just sticking one leg out to keep spinning himself. Wohoo! Excellent, he should write this one down, this would be great! He kept spinning, leaning his head back and enjoying the motion, his mind wandering as he relaxed. Until abruptly the cover slid open, and an angry looking boy confronted him.

“Get out, I want a go!”

Richard looked up at the boy, surprised. Half his instincts were screaming at him to just hang on to the chair and flatly refuse to get out, the other half thought he should probably get up and hit the boy, though he was a bit unclear about relative size. And really, how much trouble would he get in with the BBC if he hit a child? Maybe that wasn’t a good idea.

“That’s not very nice,” choked out Richard, hanging on to his temper determinedly.

“Who cares?” The boy grabbed hold of Richard’s T-shirt and yanked him forward effortlessly, lifting him completely out of the chair and off his feet. “Get out.”

Surely, he couldn’t get in trouble when faced with that kind of aggression. Besides, he had a duty to sort out this bullying cretin, for the actual little kids. Richard braced his legs against the chair, taking the pressure off the T-shirt, then shoved the boy hard in the chest, sending him sprawling away from the chair.

The boy wailed in shock as his bum hit the ground hard, his mouth open wide in shock.

Richard regarded him calmly, watching the boy’s thoughts as they crossed his face. The anger, and fear that someone stood up to him. The shock. Without another word, the boy got to his feet and ran away. Richard let out a shaky breath and collapsed back into the chair in relief, only to have Jeremy leap out from behind him moments later.

“You OK, Hamster?” Jeremy bellowed.

Richard jumped a mile, but he nodded. “Yeah, he didn’t hurt me,” he paused, wondering if Jeremy would even understand how important that had been. After all, Jeremy had never been the little guy. “I think I might have just sorted out a bully,” he added, grinning broadly even though he was still shaking all over.

“Always,” put in James, appearing by Jeremy and offering a high five that Richard quickly accepted.

Jeremy bent down, kneeling on the floor to be closer to Richard’s height. “You’re shaking, are you OK?” he repeated. He reached a hand out to touch Richard’s arm.

“I’m OK,” said Richard, following Jeremy’s arm back to his friend and flinging his arms round Jeremy’s neck. “This is just a little after fight panic.”

“You were amazing,” laughed Jeremy, squeezing Richard’s shaking body. “That kid didn’t know what he was getting into!”

“I don’t normally feel like this afterwards,” said Richard.

“Normally!” muttered Jeremy. “You absolute pikey!”

James nodded wisely. “Some of your brain has got younger too, Richard. So it’ll react like a kid to being threatened, even if you don’t really think it should.”

“Great,” sighed Richard, releasing Jeremy to look up at James.

James shrugged. “We’re here, and you still gave that bully what for. You couldn’t have done that as an adult.”

Letting out a long, slow breath, Richard nodded and the smile returned somewhat.

“I take it you like this chair?” asked James, changing the subject.

Richard’s grin widened as James wrote it down on his list.

“Anything else?” asked James.

“I haven’t really looked round that much,” shrugged Richard. “I was too busy testing the chair.”

Jeremy snorted.

James grinned. “Might I suggest you inspect the bed with tent? I seem to remember you’re quite fond of camping?” He gestured to a large wooden bed with a massive canopy covered in stars bent over it.

Richard beamed at him. “Got to be worth a look,” he agreed, diving onto the bottom of the bed, then wriggling round until he was lying back with the canopy over him. He lay there for several minutes, completely silent and unusually still.

“Hamster?” called James.

“It’s great!” replied Richard, still lying back, breathing slowly.

“Are you coming out again or do we need to flat pack you?” asked Jeremy.

Richard snorted. “I’m relaxing,” he responded, finally making a move and scrambling back out of the bed.

“Fabulous,” said James, making a note on his list. “Anything else?”

As Richard shook his head, Jeremy nudged James and grabbed the pencil and paper, scribbling something down at the bottom.

James raised his eyebrows at Jeremy, but Jeremy shook his head, so he said nothing, simply adding. “Are we ready to go pick things up then?”


	2. Chapter 2

The collection point in IKEA was always a bit fraught, but James couldn’t remember it ever being quite so stressful. So far they’d only managed to collect a trolley, but already Jeremy was racing it so quickly through the marketplace that James was certain he was going to cause either injury or damage imminently – though it did mean that James had managed to avoid any unnecessary purchases – and Richard had entirely disappeared. It wasn’t far off what James had been imagining, and again he debated just getting rid of them and doing the collection himself. Ordinarily, he’d send them off to have a beer or a smoke or something, but both he and Jeremy were trying to quit smoking in the hope that Richard didn’t get interested and stunt his growth even more, something Jeremy had taken as a very serious prospect.

He was pretty sure IKEA didn’t sell beer. Maybe he could send them to the playground?

Maybe not, the parents there would likely never forgive him, and after their confrontation in the kids’ area maybe they should avoid any more incidents for now. Plus who knew which part of Richard’s brain he’d get responding to that suggestion – if he could even find him. What about sending them for food?

He hurried himself up, realising that trolley racing Jeremy had got even further ahead, and there had been no sign of Richard for nearly ten minutes. Never mind worrying about what could happen on the playground, what about in the collection zone.

Finally, James emerged from the marketplace and into the aisles of flat packed furniture, catching up with Jeremy, who’d apparently decided that the trolley was too slow and therefore no longer worth racing.

“Where’s Hamster?” asked Jeremy.

“I was hoping he was with you,” responded James, letting some of his irritation creep into his voice.

Jeremy’s face fell and he looked nervously around the aisles full of heavy flat pack furniture and stressed, rushing adults. Then he turned back to James. “Why are we worried about this? He’s a grown man, more or less.”

“But he’s not, is he? Not exactly,” pressed James.

“He’s just even shorter than normal,” persisted Jeremy.

“He is not,” repeated James, “and you would do well to remember that. Have you not noticed? He’s himself, but he’s not quite right up here.” James prodded Jeremy’s head through the huge bushy curls.

“You saying he’s a mental now?” scoffed Jeremy.

“No, pillock. I’m saying he’s got a bit more kid in him than normal. His decisions are a bit off, that kid pushing him around, willingness to cuddle when he’s tired... I don’t know, kid stuff.”

Jeremy’s shoulders fell. “Yeah, I’d noticed that. You realise when he’s a teenager again those temper tantrums are going to be astronomical?”

“Heaven help us,” grinned James. “Let’s get there to worry about it first though, eh?”

“James! Jez!” Before they could even head off to search, a small figure came hurtling towards them carrying what looked like a massive blue eggshell on his back and looking very much as though he’d been half turned into a tortoise. “I’ve found the chair!”

“Thanks, Hamster,” grinned Jez. “You need a hand with that?”

James raised his eyebrows at them. “Shall we work through our list then? So we don’t forget anything.”

Richard rolled his eyes, but nodded nonetheless.

“Maybe you should send us to get bits and bring them to the trolley,” suggested Jeremy. “Then we’ll be faster.”

“What’s the rush exactly?” asked James.

“Well, we don’t work well at Captain Slow speeds,” began Jeremy. “And there are meatballs waiting when we’re finished.”

Richard grinned brightly. “I do like meatballs,” he added, dropping the chair shell onto the trolley and following Jeremy as he headed off to the first thing on James’s list.

James sighed and headed off to the next thing on his list, hoping to at least be far enough away not to be associated with them when they got into trouble again. Of course, he knew that wasn’t at all realistic.

Richard reached the shelf holding the frame for his new bed first and immediately began dragging the huge pack down, despite the package being above the height of his shoulder. He grabbed hold of it with both hands, and bracing his feet against the shelf pushed with all his might, slowly shuffling the package off the shelf.

Thankfully, he wasn’t making much headway when Jeremy arrived.

“Hamster, are you deliberately trying to give me a heart attack?” complained Jeremy, at the top of his voice. “This is going to crush you!”

For a moment, Richard simply hung there, holding on to the bed’s box, his feet still planted against the shelf, ready to argue, to declare that Jeremy was wrong, to insist that he could carry it, then that option clearly drained out of him as reality took hold and he took in what he was actually holding on to. “I keep forgetting, Jez,” he replied, guiltily.

“Right,” said Jeremy, more quietly, lifting him down then, glancing round to see if James had appeared to sort them out yet. “So what do you think would help you to remember?”

“I don’t know,” shrugged Richard. “It should be obvious.”

“I don’t know,” said Jeremy, “seems to me that’s it’s a relatively minor change of perspective.” He grinned smugly at Richard.

“Arse,” laughed Richard, swatting at him playfully.

“Maybe you need a reminder,” suggested Jeremy. “I saw just the thing. Come on, let’s leave James to get the heavy stuff.”

“We could get this,” insisted Richard. “He might forget.”

“Mr Pedantic? Not likely!” But still, Jeremy shifted his position to move the box, lifting it onto his shoulder, well away from any further attempt Richard might make to grab at it.

Richard commented with a single raised eyebrow.

“Well,” Jeremy defended his change of heart. “I have to enjoy my working back and youthful strength!”

James and the trolley, carrying another weighty box and the part of the chair that Richard had collected rounded the corner to collect them, and Jeremy quickly placed the bed on the trolley.

“I take it there was some trouble,” remarked James, not really asking a question.

“Nothing we can’t handle,” said Jeremy, turning back to look at Richard. “We just need to make a quick side trip into the shopping area though.”

“You need me to do all the heavy lifting suddenly?” asked James. “Why am I not surprised?”

“You’re a young, strong man James, this shouldn’t pose you any problems. I’m giving you the opportunity to demonstrate your athletic prowess.”

“Is that what you’re doing?”

“Yes,” said Jeremy firmly. “And helping Hamster.”

“Really?” James surveyed them sceptically. “Go on then, I’ll be in the massive queue lugging an entire sofa out on my own.”

Jeremy didn’t hang around, taking Richard’s arm, he dragged him back into the marketplace against an incoming tide of shoppers and trolleys.

Several times, as Jeremy practically dragged him along, Richard found himself confronted by shoppers he couldn’t dodge, and at one point he was very nearly split in two by a bollard. Jeremy, however, seemed to be deaf to his squeaks of panic until finally they ran into the bully from earlier, this time accompanied by his father.

Apparently, the sight of the bully turned Jeremy’s world around him completely silent, just in time to actually hear Richard’s latest squeak as he was nearly pulled through some plant pots.

“Hamster?” he called back.

“Just look where you’re dragging me, will you?” called back Richard.

“Sorry,” Jeremy looked suitably chastened, loosening his hold. “You OK seeing the bully?” he asked more quietly.

Richard rolled his eyes. “I beat him, remember?”

Jeremy laughed. “Of course, my mistake.” He nodded his head towards the next set of shelves. “Want to see my ingenious plan?”

“Probably not, but go on,” grinned Richard.

Jeremy rounded the corner, and reached onto the shelves, grabbing something and then triumphantly waving it at Richard.

“What is that?” asked Richard.

“It’s a watch,” said Jeremy, “obviously.”

“How is that a grand plan?”

“Because it’s a child’s watch. Every time you reach your arm out to do something monumentally stupid, you’ll see it and remember.”

“Thanks, Jez, very thoughtful.”

“It’s a good idea!” insisted Jeremy.

Richard sighed. “Come on then, we should give it a try. I guess it’s that or call an ambulance when I manage to actually give you a heart attack.”

“Or James,” put in Jeremy. “Or you, when you crush yourself.”

“True,” Richard nodded. “What are the options then?”

“Peppa Pig?” suggested Jeremy. “Thomas the Tank Engine.”

“Jez?” Richard glared at him. “Anything a little bit older?”

“Sorry,” grinned Jeremy. “Ben 10? Star Wars? Jurassic Park? Avengers? Spiderman? Space? Snoopy? Minnie Mouse? Batman? Minions?”

Richard stared at him. “Minions,” he said, finally. “I like them, and it’s kind of like us.”

Jeremy peered at the watch. “Well, there are three of them.”

“Yeah, see Kevin, he’s the sensible one – James, obviously. You can be Stuart – mad guitarist, I know you don’t play guitar, but you’re mad enough. And I’m sort of Bob.”

“I’ve only got one eye and I’m shorter than James!”

Richard laughed. “Definitely that watch!”

Jeremy playfully glared at him, but picked up the watch and they headed back to find James. 

…………………………………………………

James was in the process of paying for their weighty array of furniture when they caught up with him, and he was not at all sure that his time was improved by them catching him up. Even helping to steer the trolley didn’t seem to be something either of his companions could do reliably. Then, finally, loading into the van, when Jeremy should have been genuinely helpful, he instead moaned about the effort, and the state of the van so continuously that James got fed up and sent him to get food – with Richard, because Richard was still the pickiest eater on the entire planet.

They left, and James guiltily heaved a sigh of relief. He took his time over packing the van, knowing that if he timed it right he’d be able to miss the mess they’d inevitably cause purchasing food – most likely arguing over something – and instead catch up with them at a table with food. His stomach rumbled at the thought. Finally, when he could procrastinate no more, he headed over to the cafeteria in search of the others, his ears constantly ready for any sort of noise that might signal it was time for him to escape again.

But the noise that greeted him was normal. The background hum of many people chatting, no real arguments, nothing that triggered his finely honed Jeremy ranting sensor. He walked in hopefully, and found Jeremy at the till, paying for three meals.

“What have you got me, Jez?”

“Meatballs, of course,” grinned Jeremy, his grin perhaps suspiciously wider than the question warranted, but James decided to ignore that for the moment.

“Where’s Hamster?”

Jeremy wafted in the general direction of the tables. “He’s finding us a seat.”

They wandered over to the seating area casually, Jeremy pushing the weird stacking food trolley much more steadily than he had the furniture trolley, leading James to decide that food was simply more important to the man than furniture. Made sense.

“Where is he?” muttered James, seeing no sign of their small companion at any table, though the area wasn’t particularly busy.

Jeremy remained silent, apparently staring out at the tables, looking for Richard.

“You haven’t managed to lose him again, have you man? Really, how hard can it be to keep track of him?”

Jeremy turned back to him. “How hard can it be?” he repeated.

James tried to resist smiling. “Well where is he?”

Then the trolley began to rattle alarmingly. Jeremy grabbed two of their plates and removed them from the trolley, but as the trolley tipped, the third plate hurtled to the ground faster than James could get his brain to register the problem. He reached out a hand to grab it and only succeeded in missing and tipping the plate more vigorously, sending meatballs flying through the air somewhere to his right.

“Boo!” yelled Richard, emerging from under the trolley with a beam on his face from side to side as he scrambled to his feet.

James flinched, glaring at him.

“Jez said you’d never guess,” he pointed out.

James muttered a couple of curses under his breath, but didn’t have chance to elaborate when a large man appeared and grabbed him by the shirt.

“What are you doing throwing meatballs at me and my kid?”

James blinked in astonishment, staring at the man with absolutely nothing to say. For all the arguments he had with Jeremy and Richard, he’d never been in a situation where it got physical at all.

Jeremy, a reassuring presence by his side for once, put a large hand on each of their shoulders. “It was just an accident, no need to get bogged down in who did what to who.”

The stranger glared at them. “What do you mean get bogged down?” And actually shoved James back, sending him sprawling into one of the restaurant chairs.

“You can’t do that!” protested Jeremy, and without further ado punched the stranger.

Richard looked at James apologetically. “This really wasn’t what I expected to happen,” he said, shrugging.

“This is you two,” said James, resignedly. “This stuff always happens with you two.”

Richard pulled a face. “Sorry.” He sidled round to where James sat and put a skinny arm round his shoulders. “You should probably eat as many meatballs as you can before we get thrown out.” He held up three forks, spearing a meatball on each of the forks before handing one to James. “If it makes you feel any better, that guy is the bully’s Dad.”

As an amused grin spread across James’s face, Jeremy re-emerged from the brawl, took his proffered fork from Richard and ushered them out of the cafeteria. “Definitely time to go,” he mumbled through his meatball, stepping over the bully’s Dad, who now lay prone on the ground with a meatball resting on his mouth.

Richard scuttled round him cautiously, but puffed himself up as the bully himself approached looking angry, grinning as the boy backed away again. As Jeremy grabbed his hand, giving it a reassuring squeeze, Richard looked back to check that James was following.

He wasn’t. Richard tugged at Jeremy’s hand to slow him down.

But James didn’t need their help. James stood glaring at the two of them, the bully Dad and his bully son.

“Now I live with two of the most ridiculous imbeciles in the country,” he began, “but I’m proud to say that neither of them have ever behaved as appallingly as you two. You,” he pointed at the Dad, “thought that the best approach to an accident was violence. What’s more, you’ve apparently taught your son, that atrocious bully who we had the misfortune to encounter earlier,” he pointed at the boy, “that aggression and pushing around those who are smaller than you is the way to behave. You should be ashamed of yourselves.”

With that, James spun on his heel and caught up with Richard and Jeremy, grabbing Richard’s other hand as he ate his last meatball and carefully placed his fork down tidily on another table. Richard’s tiny hand gave his a squeeze.

“That was amazing, James,” he whispered, grinning all over his face.

Jeremy’s face reflected Richard’s expression, a huge beam shining out of his face. “So good,” he added.

James grinned back.


End file.
